Its Been a While...

So since my last entry, i've been to New York for Spring Break and i now feel absolutely amazing to be back home.  I enjoyed  NY a lot but love California so much more.  Its so dangerous over there. lol. NO ONE pays attention to street signals and they just kinda walk out in the middle of the street whenever they feel like it. but i had fun.
we saw the Empire State building, went on a breakfast cruise around Ellis Island and saw the Statue of Liberty, we had a band performance and a clinic, saw a opera called "something Chenier" which is italian, but the opera was about a french poet (that makes a whole lot of sense), we saw the NY Philharmonic Symphony and the Beauty and the Beast Broadway musical...hm...and we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe and the Stardust Cafe so that was nice

....i think i'm missing something... oh i went swimming too lol. i havent done that in a while and it was such a relief to finally go swimming again.

and we took LOTS of PICTURES

anyways, part of me feeling amazing to be home, besides the fact that i am home is that i realized a whole lot while in NY. All my problems have been solved, or feel like they are.  one guy who i have gotten to know better for the past year made me realize that there are such better ppl in the world for me. like i knew that, but now i've met someone who is better than ppl before and its made me feel soo happy. i don't expect anything to happen btwn us...but the fact that he did that for me is all i've been asking for a while, and it finally happened.
and part of that... i know what it feels like to see someone you have feelings for be with someone else and i can't do that to someone else... then i'd be just as bad as those who have done it to me.

so with these happy feelings now, school is so much more enjoyable. i love jazz band now more than ever and concert band because i no longer have to think and worry about him, and then english, PE, and Math are all the same. i love the subjects, so i'm happy.

*smiles* i just feel amazing.
and maybe i'm not THAT amazing, but after that stupid "depression" in my life..i feel great.
lol

and then besides all the happiness, i have this fear that its about to all go bad. like...these feelings i have...for him... could cause such problems.  if sometihng happens btwn us...i could tear my group of friends apart..not only me and a close friend of mine...but everyone. i can't do that to everyone. i don't want ppl to take sides and cause more drama then its worth...*thinks* 
sometimes ppl tell me i think too much, but i'd rather think about it and plan then to have it collapse on top of me later.

well i am overall happy. i can't wait til the weekend, and i'm actually having a lot of fun playing my sax and clarinet. and i have to start practicing the baritone lol. which is sitting in my house not being played.

i just wonder how long this will last...

One Hell of a Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and i turned 16.
i have been waiting to turn 16 for soo long and i wanted the day to be nice. not necessarily perfect, but nice. and it was the farthest thing from that.
i'll start with him. my ex boyfriend who broke up with me less than three weeks ago.
he likes someone else already and she likes him. and i find this out yesterday on my birthday at our Winter Percussion competition. it hurt so bad to see this and realize it. i mean i noticed it before, i'm not stupid nor blind, but i was hoping that it wasn't true. it takes a lot for the bitch inside of me to come out, and he did it. he made that part of me come out and he got to see it. io really hope he's happy. he officially ruined my birthday and hurt me for the third time. i realized that...he never cared. and i feel stupid for believing everything he told me.
and then we get back from the competition and i find out someone who used to work at my school past away. she had pnemonia and was really sick. and she died..
it may not seem like a lot, but it felt like soo much was happening.

on the good side, we had our cakefest, but i really had no appetite.
and i got to be with my friends, and my close friend who i havent talked to for a while was there and we got to talk and hang out again. i got the best card from my close friend kyle, and cake and things from my other friends. Especially jessica and her friut cake. thats what made me feel soo much better when i got home.
and now i'm 16. another year older, and i think i'll look at it as a new beginning.
i will take care of my self and not let little things bother me.
i will find someone who loves me for me and who will keep promises and be there for me no matter what.
a lot came out of yesterday and i'm looking forward to pursuing life head on.

End of the semester stress

I realized today how much stress i am going to have for the next week.
i have Winter Percussion Championships coming up and semester finals i have to study for. we have practice EVERY day next week to prepare for championships and then i have to cram in studying between school, practice and sleeping....
and then i have a book report due monday that i have to start and the only day i can really do that is sunday...and i have to do my other classes' homework that day too.
at least my birthday is saturday.
we're having a "CakeFest" at the competition to celebrate some of our birthday's.
i can't believe i'll be 16....
heh. i feel old, but not... because i know i'll get a year older without feeling different.
just like every other year lol.|

i just have to look on the bright side of life.

So my xanga is going to become my random vent/story/whatever blog thing. lol.

and today absolutely sucked.
since i am now single, i don't know what to do with him anymore. i wish i could hate him just because then i could forget he exists, but i still have feelings for him. and he doesn't even care....UUUURRRGGGG. and i don't know what he's thinking. its just i can't take this now, and then his friend likes me and *sigh*.....i don't know what to do.
and i'm not bitter or mad or anything. its just that he hurt me and told me things and now.....it all wet out that window, and

also...HE WON"T LEAVE ME ALONE! he want's the stupid video and i can't get it to him now, but he insists on bugging me EVERY single DAY!

anyways. i think i'm done.

my friend and i have decided to have a cake fest on saturday to celebrate my birthday. that should be fun.
i love him soo much. he makes me happy lol

Hello

I don't know what to write yet, but i feel like just typing, so yeah... I'm Jessica...like my Xanga?